Sometimes the things people say make me want to hold my hands over my ears and shout, "La, la, la, la...I can't hear you!"
My sister-in-law made just such a comment the other day, and it's still bugging me. She's almost forty, hasn't had a real relationship...well, ever...and somehow thinks she knows everything about marriage and parenting.
According to her, people in relationships shouldn't fight or argue...relationships should always be easy. Parents shouldn't let their toddler cry it out at bedtime...they should just let the kid stay up until he passes out. If a kid doesn't want to eat what's for dinner, the parents should present him with a number of other options that might be more pleasing to his palate...God forbid the kid cry (a.k.a. throw a tantrum) for even five minutes.
Anyhow, I digress. The other day I was standing in front of a restaurant with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. A man walked by us, reprimanding his daughter for something (it sounded like she had been putting her feet up in the restaurant and wouldn't put them back down even when told to do so). He was taking her to the car for a time out. My sister in law said, rather loudly, "Some people just shouldn't be parents."
I asked her what he said that was so offensive, because I hadn't heard it. I was truly baffled and thought I must have missed something. She didn't say anything specific to answer my question...she just said, "People should have to get a license or pass some kind of test to have kids. Some people just shouldn't have kids." After a few minutes (it had been no longer than 3-5 minutes), the man walked by us again with his daughter. As they were heading back into the restaurant, I heard him explaining to her that she shouldn't act like that because it sets a poor example for her little brother, etc.
As they walked by, my sister-in-law made another comment. She said, "There goes father of the year."
I just don't get it. Maybe a kid putting their feet up (I didn't catch exactly where she was putting her feet) in a restaurant is no big deal to my sister-in-law, but I don't see how she thought the father was a bad parent for being strict with his daughter about her behavior. Maybe she was refusing to listen and being really argumentative. Maybe the family just has strict rules about etiquette. Who knows? All I know is I wish more parents would give their kids time outs, actually do some parenting and address inappropriate behavior.
My sister-in-law is judgmental (she is still single and doesn't have very many friends for a reason). It's just how she is, and I know this. However, every time she makes a comment, it affects me deeply. Whenever she's around, I feel like she's judging me as a parent. I fully admit I'm far from a perfect parent (I don't always read to my son at night, I sometimes lose my temper and need to walk away from him, sometimes I just feed him fruit, yogurt, and cereal for dinner, et al.), but I do the best I can. I set limits for my son, and I give him time outs or at least try to talk to him about why something isn't acceptable. He's only nineteen months old, so my tactics don't always make an impact, leaving me scratching my head. Most of the time, I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong, of if it's just normal toddler behavior. I am sure that my son knows I love him, he knows there are limits, and he knows I'm going to do something about it if he doesn't listen to me. That may not stop him (it usually doesn't), but at least I'm doing something.
I need advice. I just don't know how to deal with her. This isn't the first time she has made comments about other peoples' parenting. She has directed comments at me before, but only once or twice, in regards to not letting my son cry at bedtime. I just feel on edge now when I'm around her. She picks up my son from daycare two nights per week, so she's around a lot. She is hyper-sensitive, so if I say anything to her, she'll twist the whole thing around and I'll come out looking like the bad guy. I don't know how to process this, how to address it, or if I should even bother addressing it.
I wish there was a switch I could flip that would make me not care what she thinks. How do you handle unwanted criticism in your life?
I think the Father's actions were totally appropriate. I also wish more parents would take control of the situation and discipline their children. I don't have kids, so I won't say to much about parenting.
ReplyDeleteYou know what's best for your child. Take what she says with a grain of salt. You can either ignore her, or try explaining to her why your methods work for your child.
I work in healthcare and several years ago some of my in-laws were having some medical problems. There was a lot of Doctor bashing going on and it was really frustrating for me because they don't understand the health care system. I ignored it for a while, but there came a time when i'd had enough; I gently explained the way things really work, and that it might not be the way we think it works, it is what it is.
Good Luck!